Communication & Decision Making (Chapter 9)

Are we sometimes "speaking another language"?

My professor started the class with three questions on the board. However,they were very difficult to answer, the questions were in Danish. I don't know about you, but I don't speak Danish.
This activity was used to emphasize that sometimes we are not all on the same page! When addressing the topic of language, there are three parts to communication we use:

1. Words
2. Tone
3. Non-verbal

Surprisingly, the words we say only communicate about 14% of our message to others. Our tone indicates about 35%, and the non-verbal, or more visual parts, communicate 51% of our conversations. This means that about 86% of our discussions with others is defined by our tone and non-verbal behavior. My teacher wisely concludes, "Everything that we do- not just when we are trying to communicate, but everything we do, sends a message." 

In order to better understand others, we must go through a type of "decoding" process. Our thoughts are feelings are spoken, encoded with our intentions, reach a medium, and must be decoded, then the receptor will have their own thoughts and reflections. A few great solutions to miscommunication and misinterpretations are: 

• Be Clear!
• Check Understanding!
• "First seek to understand, then to be understood"
• Communication Depth
• Give the benefit of the doubt
• Awareness

When making decisions, people often utilize their power. In families, power is the ability to influence another. There are several types of power:

• Coercive- Power by punishment (ex: withholding love, types of abuse, etc.)
• Reward- Used to obtain rewards from spouse
• Legitimate- Spouse has the right to ask
• Expert- Spouse has specific knowledge 
• Referent- Reverence/Revere because of love
• Informational- Having information or background to explain

While addressing the subject of power, it is most important to "beware of manipulation". 

We also discussed and analyzed M. Russell Ballard's inspiring book, "Counseling with our Council".

Reactive vs.Proactive. The book lists the steps to an effective meeting: 

1. Express love & appreciation
2. Pray- invite God's influence
3. Discuss to Consensus
4. RE: Lord's will
5. End with prayer

The brethren meet once a week and in a sacred place, we too can council like this with others and simply with our Father in Heaven.

A question to ask yourself is, "What kinds of things do you want inspiration on?"

Crisis: Danger Vs. Opportunity

November 10th & 12th of 2015
危 vs. 機
When a family crisis occurs it can be a family's downfall or miracle.

Opportunity for growth:

• miracle
• develop compassion
• humility
• understanding
• revelation

       This traumatic experience will not be pleasant, will not be desirable, and will not be good- but it will be strengthening. Some questions we discussed in class that are good to ask yourself are:

How do we look at trials? Are they blessings or punishments? How do we feel about struggles? Are we thankful or angry?

"Often times struggles come because of what we are doing right."

Comparing the feelings of : "Stress" and "Distress" we are better able to understand the beneficial actions we can take when going through struggles.
Stress

• healthy
• necessary
• beneficial

Distress

• physio-emotional
• overwhelming
• negative/ pessimistically focused

>>The TEDTALK by Kelly, titled "How to make stress your friend" is truly inspired. It really helped open my eyes to stress and coping.

A quote from the Family Relations textbook states, "Whatever the particular crisis you face, there are always alternative way to dealing with it" (199). We also discussed different coping methods:
Ineffective:

• Denial
• Avoidance
• Scapegoating

Effective:

• Take responsibility
• Affirm your own and your families worth
• Balance self-concern w/ other concern
• Learning the Art of Reframing( changing perspective)
• Find and use available resources

Family structure is the best thing for us to analyze to better our crisis situation and futures. Opening up with your family is the best way to brig it together. Vulnerability allows us to create stronger bonds. Thank you for reading!

Ch. 8 Intimacy in Marriage & Family Life

The most meaningful statement I pulled from this class was, "Never do anything demeaning, unkind, or disrespectful to your spouse." This thought process applies to all aspects of marriage and situations with your loved one. The topic of intimacy in marriage is a particularly sensitive topic. Possible problems that come might come from this part of marriage could originate from hurt feelings, misunderstandings, thinking spouse is selfish, feelings of use or abuse, and lack of expression of feeling. The most important part of physical intimacy is also the most important part of marriage- adjusting and communicating. There are some interesting facts about hormones. Let's start by listing them: serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin.

Serotonin- wellness, warmth

Dopamine- excitement, thrill

Oxytocin- bonding

Sex is a part of life and it is how we bring children into this world.  it is a gift ordained of God. Married couples need to ensure its sacredness for the strength of the relationship they have not only with each other, but with God.

It is important that couples communicate even in cases of kissing. A kiss, in order to remain a secure act, should not always lead to sex.

Also, when discussing the recognition of intimacy- not necessarily sexual, but more emotional- when "you are dating wisely and carefully, you are developing intimacy"(Lesson 5, John E). It is important to discuss with kids while they are young about having clear boundaries. You can view "A Parent's Guide" on lds.org to help you learn how to develop a plan for educating you children.

When married couples are struggling, it is important they go to counseling together and not separate. Couples who have individual counsel are more likely to get divorced.
A quote I appreciated from class was, "You and your spouse will only meet some of your needs some of the time, but God will always meet all of your needs."
And with that, I leave you. Thank you!

Defining the Relationship & Early Marital Adjustments

October 26th - 31st, 2015

There are four specific classifications of relationships:

1. Dating
2. Courtship
3. Engagement
4. Marriage

Dating- This type of relationship is many not focused on a specific person. Dating contains a wide variety of people with minimal commitment such as: planning, paying, and pairing off for a short period of time. Going on dates is a great way to learn not only about other people, but about yourself. By interacting with other people and taking responsibility, opportunities for personality and social growth become available. Dating is a truly inspired concept!

Courtship- After consistently going on dates with a select person, you become more exclusive. With this exclusivity comes a higher level of commitment and loyalty. Courtship can be broken down to "court" or a "trial", this is an opportunity to develop boundaries and learn what types of qualities or morals you might prefer in your future home and family. It is important to define your relationships.

Engagement- A much higher standard of commitment. The engagement is an irreplaceable opportunity to work with your significant other. Opportunity to compromise and adjust with fiancé. When thinking of a reception, use the terms, "Royalty vs. real". It is important to make decisions together and wisely. [when, where, how, & how much]

Marriage- "Don't try to find yourself- create yourself". Prepare to work together and with God- marriage is a contract, but more importantly a covenant.

As I talked about previously, men are more task oriented and women are relationship oriented. In class, we discussed three different stages following marriage: 1st month, 1st year, and childbirth.

First month- This first month of marriage includes experiences such as:

•  marital intimacy
• making decisions
• décor
• Scale of 1-10 how important is it to both of you?
• sharing a bed
• sharing a bathroom
• finances
• food
• priorities
• temperature
• chores
• household
• dishwasher
• linen/folding/putting away
• scheduling
• time management
• understanding
• accommodations

First year- After a year of marriage, couples encounter:

• traditions
• holidays
• décor
• medical issues
• extended families
• boundaries
• building own support system
• financial problems
• when and how to have children

Childbirth-

• how many children
• making time for each other
• redistributing responsibilities
• demonstrating thankfulness
• involving husband in pregnancy and birth
• couples relationships often suffer the most after the birth of their first child
• divorce is most likely to occur between the 2nd and 5th years of marriage
• the best family memories happen intentionally

Seeking Intimate Relationships & Defining Love

          What goes through our minds as we are looking for a potential boyfriend or girlfriend? What key qualities or important factors stand out to us? To begin class, we analyzed criteria people have for dating candidates:

1. Intelligence/education
2. Personal Traits
3. Physical Appearance
4. Lifestyle
5. Personal Relationships
6. Sexual looks/ Behavior
7. Age
8. Financial Status

          The Chapter, "Hanging Out, Hooking Up, and Marriage" in the Family Relations book cautions about the "Glass Slipper" approach. This technique suggests two parts:

• Looking for a perfect fit in a match
• Waiting for your potential match to come to you (no initiation on your behalf)

          The chapter addresses the myth of "opposites attract", and states that we are actually more likely to naturally start dating people who has similar attitudes, values, and personalities. The mannerisms that are familiar to us create "propinquity". This term means a nearness in space. Additional connections people have to one another are founded on: spirituality, location, IQ, values, appearance, and how accessible they are.
 
Another phenomena is the "know- quo" or three T's. These are different, necessary theories that help to recognize when a couple should be ready to take more serious steps. Analyze these T's to better know your relationship:
1) Time
2) Talk
3) Togetherness
 
We also discussed the inspired concept of "dating". Connecting the three duties of a father to the duties of a man on dates. Provide, protect, and preside to the qualities of a date- planned, paid for, and paid off. Each of these connect so well. Men exercise their protective and responsible instincts when taking a young lady on a date, just as she must nurture and encourage her date in return. The nurturing characteristic of of women is also a part of her calling as a mother.
 
We often describe our feelings for people as "indescribable", but how does that make sense?  What, really, is love? The chapter describes four types of love:
 
1. Storge(store - gay)
        ~parent to child love
               -protect, care, do more than for other, and unconditional
2. Philia(fill- ee - ah)
        ~friendship(warm and close) also, brotherly love
                -sharing, affection, commitment, intimate
3. Eros(air - os)
        ~man and woman
                 -physically(longing for just one person), longing to be close, thoughts of person
4. Agape(a - gah - pay)
         ~independent feelings
                 -act on behalf of the well- being of someone else, whether you like it or not, charity
 
Qualities of Friendship:
 
1. Enjoy being with each other most of the time.
2. Accept each other as they are.
3. Trust each other to act out of concern for the other's best interest
4. Respect the judgments, of each other.
5. Help and support each other.
6. Share experiences and feelings.
7. Understanding each other's feelings and thoughts
8. Based on openness and honesty

Gender & Family Life

The end of the week was focused on the sensitive topic of understanding same sex attraction(SSA). After watching a video produced by "Family Watch International", which consisted of several male's personal testimonies answering questions and describing experiences on their own SSA, I was able to develop a better understanding and compassion for this subject. An impactful quote from the video states, "It's not so much what happens to us that matters, it is how we perceive what happens to us."(FWI) The interviewees brought up several potential contributing factors for feelings of SSA, including:

• Wounded Gender Identity
• Negative impressions on genders
• Bullying
• Exclusion from either gender group(not accepted)
• Father "Hunger"
• Lack of relationship and quality time with father
• Mother Confusion
• Either too bonded with mother or no attachment
• Inappropriate touch
• Molesting or illegal behavior with close male figures
• Pornography
• Reinforced unhealthy(addicting) imagery

The study continues the interviews by listing sources of help for turning points for the men. People who can help overcome a SSA include: therapists, scholars, church leaders, and counselors, and more. The healing process of better understanding and respecting yourself allows the rise of sense esteem and confidence. Further research does prove that someone with a SSA can change their sexual orientation. Also, two studies were produced analyzing the concept of "born that way". The studies included a large amount of twins from the United States and Australia. Out of the twins from the United States, 50% of the times, both twins had SSA. The study from Australia concluded 11% of the time both twins were found to have SSA; however, both studies declared that in order for the idea of being "born that way" to be valid, the results had to be 100% of the time. Despite this study, the argument remains that several SSA people declare they would never have chosen to have the feelings they do. This declaration may be true; however, it does not mean that the people were not influenced or encouraged to embrace the idea of being gay throughout their life. As analyzed previously, their are several factors that influence the behavior and feelings of SSA.
Additionally we addressed the topic of Transgender people.  Following this conversation, the most important thing I took away was, "Just because someone thinks it, doesn't make it so." These two subjects are personal, yet need to be addressed because, as my teacher stated, "For every gay couple, there is one more women who doesn't get to have a husband and a family." And this affects me and my family, and our world.

Men And Women & Sex Differences

Tuesday's class discussion opened with Gloria Steinhorn's statement, "We badly need to raise our boys more like our girls." Following the debate over the truthfulness of her statement, we listed specific, priceless characteristics that Gloria may be overlooking.
Females

• Sensitivity
• Detail Oriented
• Cooperative
• Relationship Oriented
• Expressive
• Communicative
• Nurture

Males

• Depth Perception
• Spatial Orientation
• Rough/ Competitive
• Aggressive
• Object/Motion Oriented
• Upper Body Physical Strength
• Action-Oriented
• Protective Instinct
• Provide/ Preside

We addressed God's divine plan and His creating of identity and destiny. Men and Women each have unique and beautiful attributes. In our readings we discovered the specific tendencies of both men and women that separate them significantly from early ages.  In John Stossel's video experiment, he shows several studies that address the different habits in children that are visible at stages as early as in the womb. An example would be an experiment where children are placed behind a glass barrier with their mother on the other side. The boys would generally charge for the glass, taking more aggressive action. On the other hand, the girls would tend to stay in place and cry. These results correlate to the characteristics listed previously. The children's reactions are directly related to their gender different qualities.
An interesting fact is that men develop better connections standing shoulder to shoulder, while women develop better relationships standing face to face. Along with the ways people develop connection, we looked at the different advantages that come from being either gender. Women have the divine gift of being able to better interpret body language, being able to be aware of multiple things, and being able to feel deeper on an emotional level. Interestingly, men are able to focus better on one specific thing(helping them stay on track in a work environment) and are also more physically capable(which connects to their sense of protection for others).
Overall, it can be concluded that the balance of the genders is only possible through their differences. Therefore, boys need to be raised like boys.