Ch. 8 Intimacy in Marriage & Family Life

The most meaningful statement I pulled from this class was, "Never do anything demeaning, unkind, or disrespectful to your spouse." This thought process applies to all aspects of marriage and situations with your loved one. The topic of intimacy in marriage is a particularly sensitive topic. Possible problems that come might come from this part of marriage could originate from hurt feelings, misunderstandings, thinking spouse is selfish, feelings of use or abuse, and lack of expression of feeling. The most important part of physical intimacy is also the most important part of marriage- adjusting and communicating. There are some interesting facts about hormones. Let's start by listing them: serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin.

Serotonin- wellness, warmth

Dopamine- excitement, thrill

Oxytocin- bonding

Sex is a part of life and it is how we bring children into this world.  it is a gift ordained of God. Married couples need to ensure its sacredness for the strength of the relationship they have not only with each other, but with God.

It is important that couples communicate even in cases of kissing. A kiss, in order to remain a secure act, should not always lead to sex.

Also, when discussing the recognition of intimacy- not necessarily sexual, but more emotional- when "you are dating wisely and carefully, you are developing intimacy"(Lesson 5, John E). It is important to discuss with kids while they are young about having clear boundaries. You can view "A Parent's Guide" on lds.org to help you learn how to develop a plan for educating you children.

When married couples are struggling, it is important they go to counseling together and not separate. Couples who have individual counsel are more likely to get divorced.
A quote I appreciated from class was, "You and your spouse will only meet some of your needs some of the time, but God will always meet all of your needs."
And with that, I leave you. Thank you!

Defining the Relationship & Early Marital Adjustments

October 26th - 31st, 2015

There are four specific classifications of relationships:

1. Dating
2. Courtship
3. Engagement
4. Marriage

Dating- This type of relationship is many not focused on a specific person. Dating contains a wide variety of people with minimal commitment such as: planning, paying, and pairing off for a short period of time. Going on dates is a great way to learn not only about other people, but about yourself. By interacting with other people and taking responsibility, opportunities for personality and social growth become available. Dating is a truly inspired concept!

Courtship- After consistently going on dates with a select person, you become more exclusive. With this exclusivity comes a higher level of commitment and loyalty. Courtship can be broken down to "court" or a "trial", this is an opportunity to develop boundaries and learn what types of qualities or morals you might prefer in your future home and family. It is important to define your relationships.

Engagement- A much higher standard of commitment. The engagement is an irreplaceable opportunity to work with your significant other. Opportunity to compromise and adjust with fiancé. When thinking of a reception, use the terms, "Royalty vs. real". It is important to make decisions together and wisely. [when, where, how, & how much]

Marriage- "Don't try to find yourself- create yourself". Prepare to work together and with God- marriage is a contract, but more importantly a covenant.

As I talked about previously, men are more task oriented and women are relationship oriented. In class, we discussed three different stages following marriage: 1st month, 1st year, and childbirth.

First month- This first month of marriage includes experiences such as:

•  marital intimacy
• making decisions
• décor
• Scale of 1-10 how important is it to both of you?
• sharing a bed
• sharing a bathroom
• finances
• food
• priorities
• temperature
• chores
• household
• dishwasher
• linen/folding/putting away
• scheduling
• time management
• understanding
• accommodations

First year- After a year of marriage, couples encounter:

• traditions
• holidays
• décor
• medical issues
• extended families
• boundaries
• building own support system
• financial problems
• when and how to have children

Childbirth-

• how many children
• making time for each other
• redistributing responsibilities
• demonstrating thankfulness
• involving husband in pregnancy and birth
• couples relationships often suffer the most after the birth of their first child
• divorce is most likely to occur between the 2nd and 5th years of marriage
• the best family memories happen intentionally

Seeking Intimate Relationships & Defining Love

          What goes through our minds as we are looking for a potential boyfriend or girlfriend? What key qualities or important factors stand out to us? To begin class, we analyzed criteria people have for dating candidates:

1. Intelligence/education
2. Personal Traits
3. Physical Appearance
4. Lifestyle
5. Personal Relationships
6. Sexual looks/ Behavior
7. Age
8. Financial Status

          The Chapter, "Hanging Out, Hooking Up, and Marriage" in the Family Relations book cautions about the "Glass Slipper" approach. This technique suggests two parts:

• Looking for a perfect fit in a match
• Waiting for your potential match to come to you (no initiation on your behalf)

          The chapter addresses the myth of "opposites attract", and states that we are actually more likely to naturally start dating people who has similar attitudes, values, and personalities. The mannerisms that are familiar to us create "propinquity". This term means a nearness in space. Additional connections people have to one another are founded on: spirituality, location, IQ, values, appearance, and how accessible they are.
 
Another phenomena is the "know- quo" or three T's. These are different, necessary theories that help to recognize when a couple should be ready to take more serious steps. Analyze these T's to better know your relationship:
1) Time
2) Talk
3) Togetherness
 
We also discussed the inspired concept of "dating". Connecting the three duties of a father to the duties of a man on dates. Provide, protect, and preside to the qualities of a date- planned, paid for, and paid off. Each of these connect so well. Men exercise their protective and responsible instincts when taking a young lady on a date, just as she must nurture and encourage her date in return. The nurturing characteristic of of women is also a part of her calling as a mother.
 
We often describe our feelings for people as "indescribable", but how does that make sense?  What, really, is love? The chapter describes four types of love:
 
1. Storge(store - gay)
        ~parent to child love
               -protect, care, do more than for other, and unconditional
2. Philia(fill- ee - ah)
        ~friendship(warm and close) also, brotherly love
                -sharing, affection, commitment, intimate
3. Eros(air - os)
        ~man and woman
                 -physically(longing for just one person), longing to be close, thoughts of person
4. Agape(a - gah - pay)
         ~independent feelings
                 -act on behalf of the well- being of someone else, whether you like it or not, charity
 
Qualities of Friendship:
 
1. Enjoy being with each other most of the time.
2. Accept each other as they are.
3. Trust each other to act out of concern for the other's best interest
4. Respect the judgments, of each other.
5. Help and support each other.
6. Share experiences and feelings.
7. Understanding each other's feelings and thoughts
8. Based on openness and honesty

Gender & Family Life

The end of the week was focused on the sensitive topic of understanding same sex attraction(SSA). After watching a video produced by "Family Watch International", which consisted of several male's personal testimonies answering questions and describing experiences on their own SSA, I was able to develop a better understanding and compassion for this subject. An impactful quote from the video states, "It's not so much what happens to us that matters, it is how we perceive what happens to us."(FWI) The interviewees brought up several potential contributing factors for feelings of SSA, including:

• Wounded Gender Identity
• Negative impressions on genders
• Bullying
• Exclusion from either gender group(not accepted)
• Father "Hunger"
• Lack of relationship and quality time with father
• Mother Confusion
• Either too bonded with mother or no attachment
• Inappropriate touch
• Molesting or illegal behavior with close male figures
• Pornography
• Reinforced unhealthy(addicting) imagery

The study continues the interviews by listing sources of help for turning points for the men. People who can help overcome a SSA include: therapists, scholars, church leaders, and counselors, and more. The healing process of better understanding and respecting yourself allows the rise of sense esteem and confidence. Further research does prove that someone with a SSA can change their sexual orientation. Also, two studies were produced analyzing the concept of "born that way". The studies included a large amount of twins from the United States and Australia. Out of the twins from the United States, 50% of the times, both twins had SSA. The study from Australia concluded 11% of the time both twins were found to have SSA; however, both studies declared that in order for the idea of being "born that way" to be valid, the results had to be 100% of the time. Despite this study, the argument remains that several SSA people declare they would never have chosen to have the feelings they do. This declaration may be true; however, it does not mean that the people were not influenced or encouraged to embrace the idea of being gay throughout their life. As analyzed previously, their are several factors that influence the behavior and feelings of SSA.
Additionally we addressed the topic of Transgender people.  Following this conversation, the most important thing I took away was, "Just because someone thinks it, doesn't make it so." These two subjects are personal, yet need to be addressed because, as my teacher stated, "For every gay couple, there is one more women who doesn't get to have a husband and a family." And this affects me and my family, and our world.

Men And Women & Sex Differences

Tuesday's class discussion opened with Gloria Steinhorn's statement, "We badly need to raise our boys more like our girls." Following the debate over the truthfulness of her statement, we listed specific, priceless characteristics that Gloria may be overlooking.
Females

• Sensitivity
• Detail Oriented
• Cooperative
• Relationship Oriented
• Expressive
• Communicative
• Nurture

Males

• Depth Perception
• Spatial Orientation
• Rough/ Competitive
• Aggressive
• Object/Motion Oriented
• Upper Body Physical Strength
• Action-Oriented
• Protective Instinct
• Provide/ Preside

We addressed God's divine plan and His creating of identity and destiny. Men and Women each have unique and beautiful attributes. In our readings we discovered the specific tendencies of both men and women that separate them significantly from early ages.  In John Stossel's video experiment, he shows several studies that address the different habits in children that are visible at stages as early as in the womb. An example would be an experiment where children are placed behind a glass barrier with their mother on the other side. The boys would generally charge for the glass, taking more aggressive action. On the other hand, the girls would tend to stay in place and cry. These results correlate to the characteristics listed previously. The children's reactions are directly related to their gender different qualities.
An interesting fact is that men develop better connections standing shoulder to shoulder, while women develop better relationships standing face to face. Along with the ways people develop connection, we looked at the different advantages that come from being either gender. Women have the divine gift of being able to better interpret body language, being able to be aware of multiple things, and being able to feel deeper on an emotional level. Interestingly, men are able to focus better on one specific thing(helping them stay on track in a work environment) and are also more physically capable(which connects to their sense of protection for others).
Overall, it can be concluded that the balance of the genders is only possible through their differences. Therefore, boys need to be raised like boys.

Social class & Cultural Diversity

Social Class

When classifying social class, there are several pieces to determining someone's status:

• Income
• Belongings
• Name
• Image
• Behavior
• Confidence
• Opportunity
• Expectation
• Preparedness
• Values
• Speech
• Location
• Schooling/Education
• Resources

In class we discussed the different challenges that come from being both in the upper and lower class. Being in the upper class may cause conflicts such as: refusal to show vulnerability because you are worried about your image, working hard and often- allowing less time for family, having a lack in appreciation for belongings and in the larger scope all things, and having a lack in values. A combination of any of these would strongly impact a person's ability to connect with others and specifically family members. Being in a lower class would have disadvantages such as limited opportunities, lack of morals, and lack of education. The circumstances we are born in highly influence of future. Despite the negative sides of these situations, there are several admirable characteristics and strengths that can be learned by being a part of both classes. Both could highlight the ideal of handwork and also service. A lot of people's success and happiness in life depends on attitude. Also, attitude largely impacts the people around us- especially in the home.
When developing or maintaining a family culture it is important to keep yourself in check. Often we pull from our past experience when we are doing things. It is important to decide what parts of culture  we want to hold on to and replace.

Understanding Family Dynamics & Theories

The week of September 27 through October 3rd we discussed different theories that define human behaviorisms and interactions. We defined four different theories in detail: System theory, Exchange theory, Symbolic Interaction theory, and Conflict theory. The System theory is calling a family an example of "circular causality". Each family member is involved with one another and their actions very directly effect everyone. This theory contains subsystems, roles and rules, and boundaries. Each of these subtopics helps define the importance and validity of the System theory, because it shows how fragile and moldable the ties between family members are. Additionally, we can find systems that encounter this theory in several different environments. Systems can be found in classrooms, sports teams, dorms/ apartments, and much more. The Exchange theory involves the thought process of constantly weighing benefits. The idea that each interaction with someone has a pro and con. People value the exchange theory because it is often a foundation for any feelings of being used or taken advantage of. When someone feels they are on the side of giving and not balanced with someone who is receiving- the "trading" pattern ruins the harmony of that relationship. The Symbolic Interaction theory addresses the commonly asked question, "What does it mean?" Often times we wonder why we feel the way we do or why we develop certain feelings for specific people. This theory states that each reaction we have makes an impression on someone. We viewed an example of the effectiveness of this theory in class by role playing the scene of a counselor with a family of three. The family consisted of a not very connected mother and father and a son with a strong bond to his mother. The counselor (our professor) used another physiologist's method of having the family sit a certain way to begin to create bonds between the parents, and he also had the family demonstrate what they had previously done when the son would encounter an asthma attack. By analyzing the families reactions, he was able to critique them and walk through what they should do in order to keep the situation under control. The small mannerisms of the counselor had the family noticeably more comfortable around each other by the end of the "appointment". The Conflict theory is interesting because it clarifies that two people having different opinions and even conflicts is not necessarily a bad thing. Having differences and being able to work through them can actually bring two or more people closer together. Overall, this weeks lessons helped me to better understand the thought processes of humans and myself and also to better recognize individual's importance in a family system.