In Closing

To sum up this class and all of the valuable insights taught, I'm going to list the top 10 things I have learned. I am listing them in hopes that you can better understand the purpose of this blog and the family!

1. Family Genogram- This was one of my favorite lessons, because the project took time and required a lot of thought. The connections I drew between my family members really opened my eyes to possible cultures I wanted to change in my future family. Observing the patterns in relationships of past generations made me humble to changing my attitude towards my dad. I didn’t want to continue the pattern of damaged father-daughter bond.
2. Learning the Family Theories- Exploring the following theories: system, exchange, symbolic, and conflict, opened my eyes to why people may react how they do. The speculations allowed me to make sense of things and really understand them. In any relationship, it is key to have communication and stay on the same page, and the systems helped me to recognize that.
3. The Pros and Cons of Social Class Placement- Listing off what makes someone obtain their status was super interesting to me, because it analyzed that the same factors could be used to increase someone’s class or decrease it. Along with the status, I liked learning about how different family cultures could be because of class. The videos we watched on specific people’s lives were super interesting and helped me to see different people have struggles that I never could have imagined.
4. Seeking Intimate Relationships- The chapter addresses the myth of "opposites attract", and states that we are actually more likely to naturally start dating people who has similar attitudes, values, and personalities. The mannerisms that are familiar to us create "propinquity". This term means a nearness in space. Additional connections people have to one another are founded on: spirituality, location, IQ, values, appearance, and how accessible they are. I loved learning all of the different qualities and criteria we look for.
5. Defining love- I loved defining love. It was so interesting to look at the different types of love and applying them to the relationships in my life. Along with this we described the qualities of friendship. Overall this was just a really interesting class with lots of insight on how we feel about people.
6. The different stages of relationships- Dating, Courtship, Engagement, and Marriage. Defining each one totally opened my eyes to how serious each step is. When we were discussing the importance of engagement and how big of an opportunity for the couple it is, It really helped me understand. Also I got to look back on my sister’s marriage and understand the way their courting went.
7. Task Vs. Relationship- The entire topic of defining men and women was so interesting to me. I loved analyzing how females and males differ. The roles of parents and of gender became a lot more clear to me following this class.
8. Difference After Childbirth- Learning about the challenges within a marriage after childbirth, I feel, has really helped prepare me the most. Knowing what is likely to happen and how to deal with it is more beneficial than I could ever imagine.
9. Intimacy- I have to admit that this topic was uncomfortable for me at first, but understanding it has so many benefits. When I get married I will better be able to understand my spouse and that Is a huge comfort to me.
10. Family Structure is everything- I learned that in every lesson we had, there was family structure involved. Not matter what we were discussing, the  family was a part of it, and I think that is why it is so important that we treat our families with love and compassion. We often get caught up in the world, and this class opened my eyes to having a loving heart.

This semester has been such a wonderful learning experience. Not only did I get to analyze my past history, but I got to learn how to prepare now for my future! I hope you enjoyed the blogs! Thank You!

Parenting & Discipline

What are the benefits of parents raising their children?
For the parents

• Learn
• Grow
• w/ child via needs
• Better Understand Self
• Bonding/ Attachment
• Adaptive
• Commitment

For the child

• More in Common
• Accepting
• Longevity
• Deeper Love
• Better Disciplined (more effective)
• Compassion

My teacher told us something very wise, "children are learning EVERYDAY". He also discussed the purposes of raising children: 1. Preparing them to survive and thrive in the world and 2. To protect them. There is a definite difference in discipline vs. punishment. When talking about discipline, it is important to link it to choice and consequences. Through this accountability, children gain the ability to respond to situations. Punishments can be more focused on negatively reacting to the mistakes kids make versus how to grow from them. Also, sometimes it is important for parents to allow "Natural consequences" happen to their children. Natural consequences can be very beneficial; however, here are three examples of when parents should intervene:

1. It is too dangerous- child would be unsafe
2. "Too Future"- allowing child to make decisions that aren't completely life forming or changing
3. Others are affected

Effective parent behavior towards children includes:

•  A polite and sincere request
• An "I" statement
• "When you..."
• "I feel..."
• "because..."
• "I would like..."
• A firmer statement (create understanding& turning situation around)

One of the most important things I learned from this chapter was that children and everyone need two things... Contact and Belonging. Any lack of these two things for a child within the home or in general could result in a mistaken approach to receive these:

• Undue attention seeking
• Revenge seeking
• Rebellion
• Undue risk taking
• Undue avoidance

It is so important to teach children assertiveness and forgiveness in the home, so that they can be independent examples as they grow up. We must teach our children with love and healthy discipline. Also, when developing in the home, parents must support and work together in order to establish harmony. "By the time your kids are teenagers, your relationship is your only influence in teaching". Thanks for reading!

Communication & Decision Making (Chapter 9)

Are we sometimes "speaking another language"?

My professor started the class with three questions on the board. However,they were very difficult to answer, the questions were in Danish. I don't know about you, but I don't speak Danish.
This activity was used to emphasize that sometimes we are not all on the same page! When addressing the topic of language, there are three parts to communication we use:

1. Words
2. Tone
3. Non-verbal

Surprisingly, the words we say only communicate about 14% of our message to others. Our tone indicates about 35%, and the non-verbal, or more visual parts, communicate 51% of our conversations. This means that about 86% of our discussions with others is defined by our tone and non-verbal behavior. My teacher wisely concludes, "Everything that we do- not just when we are trying to communicate, but everything we do, sends a message." 

In order to better understand others, we must go through a type of "decoding" process. Our thoughts are feelings are spoken, encoded with our intentions, reach a medium, and must be decoded, then the receptor will have their own thoughts and reflections. A few great solutions to miscommunication and misinterpretations are: 

• Be Clear!
• Check Understanding!
• "First seek to understand, then to be understood"
• Communication Depth
• Give the benefit of the doubt
• Awareness

When making decisions, people often utilize their power. In families, power is the ability to influence another. There are several types of power:

• Coercive- Power by punishment (ex: withholding love, types of abuse, etc.)
• Reward- Used to obtain rewards from spouse
• Legitimate- Spouse has the right to ask
• Expert- Spouse has specific knowledge 
• Referent- Reverence/Revere because of love
• Informational- Having information or background to explain

While addressing the subject of power, it is most important to "beware of manipulation". 

We also discussed and analyzed M. Russell Ballard's inspiring book, "Counseling with our Council".

Reactive vs.Proactive. The book lists the steps to an effective meeting: 

1. Express love & appreciation
2. Pray- invite God's influence
3. Discuss to Consensus
4. RE: Lord's will
5. End with prayer

The brethren meet once a week and in a sacred place, we too can council like this with others and simply with our Father in Heaven.

A question to ask yourself is, "What kinds of things do you want inspiration on?"

Crisis: Danger Vs. Opportunity

November 10th & 12th of 2015
危 vs. 機
When a family crisis occurs it can be a family's downfall or miracle.

Opportunity for growth:

• miracle
• develop compassion
• humility
• understanding
• revelation

       This traumatic experience will not be pleasant, will not be desirable, and will not be good- but it will be strengthening. Some questions we discussed in class that are good to ask yourself are:

How do we look at trials? Are they blessings or punishments? How do we feel about struggles? Are we thankful or angry?

"Often times struggles come because of what we are doing right."

Comparing the feelings of : "Stress" and "Distress" we are better able to understand the beneficial actions we can take when going through struggles.
Stress

• healthy
• necessary
• beneficial

Distress

• physio-emotional
• overwhelming
• negative/ pessimistically focused

>>The TEDTALK by Kelly, titled "How to make stress your friend" is truly inspired. It really helped open my eyes to stress and coping.

A quote from the Family Relations textbook states, "Whatever the particular crisis you face, there are always alternative way to dealing with it" (199). We also discussed different coping methods:
Ineffective:

• Denial
• Avoidance
• Scapegoating

Effective:

• Take responsibility
• Affirm your own and your families worth
• Balance self-concern w/ other concern
• Learning the Art of Reframing( changing perspective)
• Find and use available resources

Family structure is the best thing for us to analyze to better our crisis situation and futures. Opening up with your family is the best way to brig it together. Vulnerability allows us to create stronger bonds. Thank you for reading!

Ch. 8 Intimacy in Marriage & Family Life

The most meaningful statement I pulled from this class was, "Never do anything demeaning, unkind, or disrespectful to your spouse." This thought process applies to all aspects of marriage and situations with your loved one. The topic of intimacy in marriage is a particularly sensitive topic. Possible problems that come might come from this part of marriage could originate from hurt feelings, misunderstandings, thinking spouse is selfish, feelings of use or abuse, and lack of expression of feeling. The most important part of physical intimacy is also the most important part of marriage- adjusting and communicating. There are some interesting facts about hormones. Let's start by listing them: serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin.

Serotonin- wellness, warmth

Dopamine- excitement, thrill

Oxytocin- bonding

Sex is a part of life and it is how we bring children into this world.  it is a gift ordained of God. Married couples need to ensure its sacredness for the strength of the relationship they have not only with each other, but with God.

It is important that couples communicate even in cases of kissing. A kiss, in order to remain a secure act, should not always lead to sex.

Also, when discussing the recognition of intimacy- not necessarily sexual, but more emotional- when "you are dating wisely and carefully, you are developing intimacy"(Lesson 5, John E). It is important to discuss with kids while they are young about having clear boundaries. You can view "A Parent's Guide" on lds.org to help you learn how to develop a plan for educating you children.

When married couples are struggling, it is important they go to counseling together and not separate. Couples who have individual counsel are more likely to get divorced.
A quote I appreciated from class was, "You and your spouse will only meet some of your needs some of the time, but God will always meet all of your needs."
And with that, I leave you. Thank you!

Defining the Relationship & Early Marital Adjustments

October 26th - 31st, 2015

There are four specific classifications of relationships:

1. Dating
2. Courtship
3. Engagement
4. Marriage

Dating- This type of relationship is many not focused on a specific person. Dating contains a wide variety of people with minimal commitment such as: planning, paying, and pairing off for a short period of time. Going on dates is a great way to learn not only about other people, but about yourself. By interacting with other people and taking responsibility, opportunities for personality and social growth become available. Dating is a truly inspired concept!

Courtship- After consistently going on dates with a select person, you become more exclusive. With this exclusivity comes a higher level of commitment and loyalty. Courtship can be broken down to "court" or a "trial", this is an opportunity to develop boundaries and learn what types of qualities or morals you might prefer in your future home and family. It is important to define your relationships.

Engagement- A much higher standard of commitment. The engagement is an irreplaceable opportunity to work with your significant other. Opportunity to compromise and adjust with fiancé. When thinking of a reception, use the terms, "Royalty vs. real". It is important to make decisions together and wisely. [when, where, how, & how much]

Marriage- "Don't try to find yourself- create yourself". Prepare to work together and with God- marriage is a contract, but more importantly a covenant.

As I talked about previously, men are more task oriented and women are relationship oriented. In class, we discussed three different stages following marriage: 1st month, 1st year, and childbirth.

First month- This first month of marriage includes experiences such as:

•  marital intimacy
• making decisions
• décor
• Scale of 1-10 how important is it to both of you?
• sharing a bed
• sharing a bathroom
• finances
• food
• priorities
• temperature
• chores
• household
• dishwasher
• linen/folding/putting away
• scheduling
• time management
• understanding
• accommodations

First year- After a year of marriage, couples encounter:

• traditions
• holidays
• décor
• medical issues
• extended families
• boundaries
• building own support system
• financial problems
• when and how to have children

Childbirth-

• how many children
• making time for each other
• redistributing responsibilities
• demonstrating thankfulness
• involving husband in pregnancy and birth
• couples relationships often suffer the most after the birth of their first child
• divorce is most likely to occur between the 2nd and 5th years of marriage
• the best family memories happen intentionally

Seeking Intimate Relationships & Defining Love

          What goes through our minds as we are looking for a potential boyfriend or girlfriend? What key qualities or important factors stand out to us? To begin class, we analyzed criteria people have for dating candidates:

1. Intelligence/education
2. Personal Traits
3. Physical Appearance
4. Lifestyle
5. Personal Relationships
6. Sexual looks/ Behavior
7. Age
8. Financial Status

          The Chapter, "Hanging Out, Hooking Up, and Marriage" in the Family Relations book cautions about the "Glass Slipper" approach. This technique suggests two parts:

• Looking for a perfect fit in a match
• Waiting for your potential match to come to you (no initiation on your behalf)

          The chapter addresses the myth of "opposites attract", and states that we are actually more likely to naturally start dating people who has similar attitudes, values, and personalities. The mannerisms that are familiar to us create "propinquity". This term means a nearness in space. Additional connections people have to one another are founded on: spirituality, location, IQ, values, appearance, and how accessible they are.
 
Another phenomena is the "know- quo" or three T's. These are different, necessary theories that help to recognize when a couple should be ready to take more serious steps. Analyze these T's to better know your relationship:
1) Time
2) Talk
3) Togetherness
 
We also discussed the inspired concept of "dating". Connecting the three duties of a father to the duties of a man on dates. Provide, protect, and preside to the qualities of a date- planned, paid for, and paid off. Each of these connect so well. Men exercise their protective and responsible instincts when taking a young lady on a date, just as she must nurture and encourage her date in return. The nurturing characteristic of of women is also a part of her calling as a mother.
 
We often describe our feelings for people as "indescribable", but how does that make sense?  What, really, is love? The chapter describes four types of love:
 
1. Storge(store - gay)
        ~parent to child love
               -protect, care, do more than for other, and unconditional
2. Philia(fill- ee - ah)
        ~friendship(warm and close) also, brotherly love
                -sharing, affection, commitment, intimate
3. Eros(air - os)
        ~man and woman
                 -physically(longing for just one person), longing to be close, thoughts of person
4. Agape(a - gah - pay)
         ~independent feelings
                 -act on behalf of the well- being of someone else, whether you like it or not, charity
 
Qualities of Friendship:
 
1. Enjoy being with each other most of the time.
2. Accept each other as they are.
3. Trust each other to act out of concern for the other's best interest
4. Respect the judgments, of each other.
5. Help and support each other.
6. Share experiences and feelings.
7. Understanding each other's feelings and thoughts
8. Based on openness and honesty